Wonderful poem.

I read this poem in the back of a booklet called My Friend, I Care that was given to me from my friend Tracey. I have read it over and over and over. This just really resonated with me and I wanted to share:

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

- Joanette Hendel (Bereavement Magazine)

Two months later.

And I am back. I have many posts written in draft form but never able to post them. The main reason is that they were painful to write and I was so afraid that Dan would read them. I am sure many are asking why would I be afraid of Dan reading my blog? Well because he doesn't realize he is dying. And the things we have had to witness him go through in the past two months have just been awful and nothing I would ever want him to read about when his brain can't process reality anymore.

The absolute hardest part of this whole experience is that he doesn't know he is dying. While that truly is a blessing for him, it's excruciatingly painful for me. I can't say goodbye, I can't tie up loose ends with his help, I can't talk about anything that refers to dying. 

My sweet sweet husband is lying in his hospital bed in my bedroom sleeping now up to 18 hours a day, not eating (other than a few spoonfuls of ice cream every now and again), and now barely communicating with me.

I love him with all my heart and I tell him 100 times a day how much I love him.

Please do the same thing with your loved ones. Life is way too short.