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Beam me up.

A friend of ours posted this on Facebook yesterday saying that this song came up on her playlist and she immediately thought of us. I just took the time to listen to it and it touched me so much I had to share it. The song is called Beam me Up by Pink.

Thank you Aimee. I loved it so much I had to blog it.

My favorite line is "Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter" because honestly, I was fighting right there with Dan for all these months and had to be strong for him and my kids and to keep us going. Now I feel lighter. Lighter that he is at peace with no pain and suffering. Dan always told me he was sorry I had to take care of him and I always reassured him that there was no apology needed and it was my job as his wife and caregiver. In sickness and in health were in our vows and I stayed true and I know he would have done the same for me.

Take a listen when you have time, and sing along with the lyrics like I did!



There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.

There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Wonderful poem.

I read this poem in the back of a booklet called My Friend, I Care that was given to me from my friend Tracey. I have read it over and over and over. This just really resonated with me and I wanted to share:

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

- Joanette Hendel (Bereavement Magazine)

Two months later.

And I am back. I have many posts written in draft form but never able to post them. The main reason is that they were painful to write and I was so afraid that Dan would read them. I am sure many are asking why would I be afraid of Dan reading my blog? Well because he doesn't realize he is dying. And the things we have had to witness him go through in the past two months have just been awful and nothing I would ever want him to read about when his brain can't process reality anymore.

The absolute hardest part of this whole experience is that he doesn't know he is dying. While that truly is a blessing for him, it's excruciatingly painful for me. I can't say goodbye, I can't tie up loose ends with his help, I can't talk about anything that refers to dying. 

My sweet sweet husband is lying in his hospital bed in my bedroom sleeping now up to 18 hours a day, not eating (other than a few spoonfuls of ice cream every now and again), and now barely communicating with me.

I love him with all my heart and I tell him 100 times a day how much I love him.

Please do the same thing with your loved ones. Life is way too short.